You Can't Always Get What You Want
by historylover
Summary: Episode tag to 5.1


A/N: Amazing premiere, although not as awesome as Lazarus Rising and IMToD (in my opinion.) While I admit that I'm a Deangirl, and I know I write Dean a lot better than I do Sam (probably because I can relate to Dean better), I don't dislike Sam. I find him hard to understand, though. So, in my unending attempt to understand Sam, I bring you this. Hope you enjoy.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Also, since I hated that crazy fangirl (a bad spot in an otherwise brilliant episode), I'm going to invoke the MST3K motto by citing it: Repeat to yourself this is just a show; I should really just relax.

**You Can't Always Get What You Want**

Sam watched Dean walk to the car in shock. His feet seemed to be encased in cement on the solid parking lot. He couldn't move, even when Dean turned back to look at him, with an expression on his face like "Well, are you coming or not?"

Dean got into the car, and Sam suddenly scared that he would drive away. However, Dean didn't start the car. Sam was finally able to move to the passenger's door.

_This is going to be a long journey_, he thought.

He got in, and Dean started the car without looking at Sam. Sam tried to meet Dean's eyes as he backed the Impala out of the space, but Dean refused to look at him. However, Sam could see the hurt and the pain remaining in them.

He realized that he saw the same look throughout this entire year. He just ignored it, though.

He wasn't sure what to do. He always knew how to push Dean's buttons, how to get Dean to lash out at him. Dean always lashed out physically and then he'd get over it whatever was bugging him. Dean always forgave and forgot. Sam wasn't used to the Dean who wouldn't lash out.

Part of Sam wanted to remind Dean that he actually was the one that broke the first seal that jump started the apocalypse and that everyone would have killed Lilith, if given the chance he had. However, he quickly buried that part of him. Even though he wanted to tell himself that this is what Dean was angry about, he knew it wasn't.

He should have seen this coming. Dean barely looked at him when Zachariah broke his legs in order to get Dean to agree to be Michael's vessel. Dean kept refusing, in spite of his broken legs.

He couldn't believe it, but he missed the days when Dean believed that protecting him was more important than anything else.

Dean's two speeches rang through Sam's ears, and both made him see Dean in new lights. Dean was always… Dean. Just there. Never changing, always needy, always dependent. Never the leader. Sam was now struck with what an effective leader Dean was. He had a knack for inspiration. A talent that Sam somehow could never quite get.

He never knew when Dean got that talent. Was it a talent that he always had? Sam couldn't remember.

Dean was always his big brother. He never saw Dean as anything else. Everything that Dean had been proud of revolved around Sam. Sam remembered Dean getting his G.E.D. He remembered rolling his eyes at it, because it meant Dean didn't graduate. He never realized until now that Dean was proud of that accomplishment. And he was seldom proud of his own accomplishment.

He now remembered that time. He was rebelling against doing research for Dad. He complained about it. He remembered Dean doing a lot of research at that time as well. It never occurred to him before now that Dean was actually studying for his exams during that time.

Dean was smarter than Sam ever gave him credit for.

"So…" Sam said awkwardly, unsure of what to say. "Where are we going?"

Dean hesitated briefly. "We're going to pay Chuck a visit. See what he has. See if there's any way to help Bobby. Just… get something."

"Dean…"

Dean turned on a tape and turned it up to just short of deafening.

Sam looked at his reflection in the window, wondering when he completely messed up. _"I tried, Sammy. I mean, I really tried._" Dean's voice kept repeating in his ears. "_But I just can't keep pretending that everything's all right. 'Cause it's not. And it's never going to be. You chose a demon over your own brother, and look what happened… You let me down in ways that I can't even… I'm just having a hard time forgiving and forgetting here, you know? _ _I just don't think I can trust you."_

Suddenly, his mind turned off that loop. He could hear himself say to Dean, _"How was Hell?. Don't spare the details… You're too busy sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. Whining about all the souls you tortured in Hell. Boo-hoo. You're holding me back. I'm a better hunter than you are—stronger, smarter."_

"_You didn't mean that!" _Sam's mind shouted. _"You were drugged by that siren, remember? You never meant any of that." _However, he knew he did.

He was smarter than Dean? He let himself get manipulated and conned by a demon who knew all the right buttons to push, all the right ways to flatter him. She was able to say everything he wanted to hear.

"_Dean made a deal too. Remember? He left you first." _Sam decided that his mind just needed to shut up. Every time he listened to himself, he got things terribly wrong.

Dean never liked Ruby. And Dean's instincts were almost always right on the money. To the point where Sam now wondered if Dean was the psychic instead of him. He may have had the powers, but Dean had the common sense and the gut instinct. Even though Dean used to be a "fly by the seat of his pants" kind of guy, something had changed him.

Had Hell changed him? Sam looked at Dean again, who only looked between the windshield, the odometer, and the windows. He refused to meet Sam's eyes.

Had he always been this guy? Sam now looked at Dean and saw a stranger. Only, he knew that he was the one who changed.

Or had he changed? He never paid much attention to Dean. Dean was always there, holding him down. But also making sure he was grounded. Dean was always looming over him, but only as a rock to lean on. Dean was always the constant, but he always was Sam's one stable thing in life. Even when he left for Stanford. Dean never gave his trust easily, but Sam always had it. And it was something he took for granted. And once Dean's trust was broken, there was little to do to fix it.

Dean was only two feet away from him, but Sam didn't know how to span that gap. He knew there was nothing he could do. But he had to try.

He just didn't know where to begin.

He remembered breaking a plate of Jess'. It was a piece of china that she inherited from her grandmother. Although she tried to glue it back together, and she got it to hold, the plate was ruined. There were too many cracks in it to see the beautiful design again.

She gave it to Sam to throw away, because she couldn't do it. He threw it away without a thought.

Dean's trust was a lot like that plate. It'll never be the same again.

Sam slowly began focusing on the cassette Dean had thrown into the tape deck. It was the Rolling Stones. "You can't always get what you want."

He missed Dean. He wanted his rock again. He desperately wanted Dean's forgiveness. Dean didn't have to forget what he did. That was fine. He knew he wouldn't forget what he did for a long time.

"But if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need."

"I'm so sorry. About everything. The lies. Taking you for granted. I never meant to do that. I want to be brothers again," Sam said. "Are we ever going to be all right? I need for us to do all right," Sam said softly said, although he knew the music drowned him out.

He watched Dean's reaction. Dean remained stone faced, staring out of the windshield, intent on his driving. But, Sam could see his eyes flick over to Sam for a brief moment.

The moment passed, but it was enough for now.

End.

A/N: That was an amazing last scene. Go, Dean! I was angry at Bobby. Sure, he was possessed when he told Sam to lose his number, but Sam warrants an apology but Dean doesn't get an apology for an undeserved name-calling session from Bobby? So glad that Dean hasn't let Sam off the hook. Sam's a grown man, not a baby any more. He needs to own up that he did more wrong than just killing Lilith.


End file.
